Quotes from Douglas Stone

Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: If we try to avoid the problem, we'll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we'll wonder why we don't stick up for ourselves, and we'll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things.

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.

we can make a reasonable argument that engaging (well) in difficult conversations is a sign of health in a relationship.

The question of who is offering us feedback doesn't seem like it should matter. Regardless of the source, the advice is either wise or foolish, the ideas worthwhile or worthless. But it does matter. We are often more triggered by the person giving us feedback than by the feedback itself. In fact, relationship triggers may be the most common derailers of feedback conversations.

Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you're doing that's exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.

If I'm the boss / parent, why can't I just tell my subordinates / children what to do?

Sixty-three percent of executives surveyed say that their biggest challenge to effective performance management is that their managers lack the courage and ability to have difficult feedback discussions.7

Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered

So here we are. Torn. Is it possible that feedback is like a gift and like a colonoscopy? Should we hang in there and take it, or turn and run? Is the learning really worth the pain? We are conflicted.

As "shifters" we tend to see ourselves as innocent victims – when something goes wrong, it's always because of what someone else did. Others of us have the opposite tendency: we are all too aware of the negative consequences of our own actions. In the face of this, others' contributions seem insignificant. An "absorber" tends to feel responsible for everything.

While we all need to feel accepted as we are, we also need to hear feedback—particularly when our behavior is affecting others. Being accepted isn't an escape hatch from responsibility for consequences, as we discuss in more detail in chapter 10. So, seek acceptance. And work to make amends with the kids and with the funders (and with the car).

impact. Feedback-seeking behavior—as it's called in the research literature—has been linked to higher job satisfaction, greater creativity on the job, faster adaptation in a new organization or role, and lower turnover. And seeking out negative feedback is associated with higher performance ratings.

Address the implications of the alternate view. Another thing Peter might say is, "Let's put aside for a minute the question of whether this complaint is true and instead ask what if it were true? What would it mean? What would be the implications for you?

You know the problem is her—she brings out your worst. But it is your worst. It's you under pressure, you in conflict. It's here that we often have the most room to grow. When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don't see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time.

Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise the Issue • Purposes: What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? Shift your stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving. • Deciding: Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purposes? Is the issue really embedded in your Identity Conversation? Can you affect the problem by changing your contributions? If you don't raise it, what can you do to help yourself let go?

The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren't, to feel justified in raising an issue.

Nothing affects the learning culture of an organization more than the skill with which its executive team receives feedback. And of course, as you move up, candid coaching becomes increasingly scarce, so you have to work harder to get it. But doing so sets the tone and creates an organizational culture of learning, problem solving, and adaptive high performance.

Step 5: Problem-Solving • Invent options that meet each side's most important concerns and interests. • Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual caretaking; relationships that always go one way rarely last. • Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.

By identifying what you are doing to perpetuate a situation, you learn where you have leverage to affect the system.

Managing truth triggers is not about pretending there's something to learn, or saying you think it's right if you think it's wrong. It's about recognizing that it's always more complicated than it appears and working hard to first understand. And even if you decide that 90 percent of the feedback is off target, that last golden 10 percent might be just the insight you need to grow.

At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.

Relationship triggers produce hurt, suspicion, and sometimes anger. The way out is to disentangle the feedback from the relationship issues it triggers, and to discuss both, clearly and separately. In practice, we almost never do this. Instead, as receivers, we take up the relationship issues and let the original feedback drop.

There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade