Quotes from Robert W. Firestone

The purpose of the false self is to defend against pain - not deal with reality

The great source of terror in infancy is solitude. William James (1890)

Acting out of obligation, form or tradition is deadly, because giving up one's ability to act out of free choice is equivalent to giving up life itself.

They must come to face the facts about their illness and its cause and must learn to feel worthwhile and lovable. At the end of this difficult and arduous process they should be able to transfer their learning to other persons in the social environment and be able to make the necessary adjustment for living in the larger world.

In a sense, they had committed emotional suicide in order to protect themselves from the painful truth of their experiences.

Without realizing it, most people become deadened to their emotions. Early in their lives they turn their backs on themselves, their real desires and wants, and substitute self-nourishing habits and fantasies that only serve to deaden them.

When children are taught that personal wants and desires are selfish, there is a resultant guilt reaction and movement toward a state of selflessness. However, our wants and desires make up a major part of our identity. When they are suppressed, we don't know who we are, and without a sense of self, we lose compassion for others (Firestone, 1987b, 1997a).

Many existential thinkers hypothesize that the fear of death is greater in people who do not live up to their potential than in those who fulfill themselves (Yalom, 1980). This thesis leads to the conclusion that therapeutic interventions which free patients from their repressions, so that they will be better able to actualize themselves, will also reduce their fears about dying.

Most of us reject or manipulate our environments to avoid any emotional interaction that would contradict our early conception of reality, and this fact of human nature may be the single most delimiting factor for all psychotherapies

Paradoxically, the more people give up their crutches, the soothing mechanisms of their lives, their self-nourishing habits and deadening routines, the more they are able to embrace life.

This admission is a fundamental step in changing the situation in the family. As long as the fantasy of love is maintained, there will be no real change.

The more they give up false security, the greater the opportunity they have for real security in genuine relationships built on honest choices and priorities. Only through breaking loose from bondage and fantasies of connection can we really be free to fulfill our human potentiality.

Numerous case histories have been documented about children previously neglected or abused by their parents, who, when placed with loving foster parents, have distorted their new surroundings and therefore reacted adversely.

Indeed, an honest acceptance of this fact would enable both parties to cope with reality without the additional defensive pressure. With a diminution of this pressure and the subsequent relaxation for both parent and child, they may even come to have genuine regard and loving feelings toward one another.

The primary fantasy of connection leads to a posture of pseudo-independence in the developing child—"I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself"—yet the irony is that the more the person relies on fantasy, the more helpless he or she becomes in the real world and the more he or she demands to be taken care of.

As I got to know him, I learned that Paul had a continuous "tape" playing in his head that degraded everything. He once described this process as, "…it's like a demon sits on my shoulder and continually ridicules me.

He projects to the world, or to society at large, the feelings that he had for his family, but he is not aware of this projection…. He also feels that the world is going to be bad, and bad for him only. (Arieti, 1955, p. 68)

The patient creates a negative picture of people to support deep feelings of basic mistrust. In losing empathy and feeling for others, one no longer feels compassion toward oneself. This condition arouses a profound sense of existential guilt that only adds to the feelings of self-hatred and isolation. Loss

Unfortunately, few adults arrive at maturity without experiencing considerable distress. The degree of regression that occurs and its longevity are a function of many variables. The most significant predisposing factor is the amount of emotional deprivation and unnecessary frustration caused by inadequate or insensitive mothering.

Emotional deprivation is at the core of neurotic addiction and abnormal dependency.

Regression is defined here as a psychological retreat to a prior stage of development in order to reduce fear and foster an illusion of security.

painful emotional experiences, excessive frustration, personal rejection and hurt, physical illness, separation or loss, and death anxiety.

Parents in their dishonesty manipulate their children and hide their real feelings, and of course their children learn early to manipulate back.

In other words, the regressed individual either defers to authority or acts out a critical, parental role, neither of which represents a genuine adult response.