Quotes About Life

I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more.

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.

Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.

Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.