Quotes About Family

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.