Quotes About Behavior

Another maladaptive communication pattern is overgeneralization. It refers to the tendency to draw global conclusions in response to isolated events.

In schools, as in homes, there's a tendency to work on the hot-button problem that precipitated a challenging episode on a particular day. But because unsolved problems wax and wane, the hot-button unsolved problem that was the focal point on one day is often replaced by a different hot-button unsolved problem the next.

Kids who exhibit concerning behaviors are compromised in the global skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem solving. These are skills most of us take for granted. And most kids are blessed with sufficient levels of those skills. Your child was not so fortunate.

But whether a child's concerning behavior is lucky or unlucky, it's communicating the exact same thing: I'm stuck . . . there's an expectation I'm having difficulty meeting.

Some educators believe that the expertise necessary for understanding and helping behaviorally challenging students is well beyond their grasp. Not true.

Other parents feel that lagging skills are too negative. Those lagging skills don't diminish your child's many positive attributes, but they do explain why your child has been responding to problems and frustrations so maladaptively. And, compared to many of the other things that have been said about your child, perhaps accurate is more apt.

It's crucial to go further than simply concluding that a student's concerning behaviors are working at getting them something they want (for example, attention) and escaping and avoiding tasks and situations that are difficult, uncomfortable, tedious, or scary. A good functional assessment needs to explain why a student is going about getting, escaping, and avoiding in such a maladaptive fashion (lagging skills) and when that is occurring (unsolved problems).

Some are so impulsive that, even if they could think of more than one solution, they've already done the first thing that popped into their heads. The bad news is that the first solution is often the worst one, the one that required the least amount of reflection and thought, which probably explains why some kids are notorious for putting their worst foot forward

Moreover, there are many kids who can't think of any solutions at all. So, the problem remains unsolved. And the concerning behaviors being caused by that problem persist. Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words

Because it can get in the way of rational thought, anxiety can have the same effect as irritability.

INFLEXIBILITY + INFLEXIBILITY = MELTDOWN

What behaviors does your child exhibit when that happens? Some kids cry, or pout, or sulk, or withdraw. While that's the "easy" end of the spectrum, those kids still need our help. Some hold their breath, scream, swear, kick, hit, have panic attacks, or destroy property. Some run away, bite, cut themselves, vomit, use weapons, or worse. This end of the spectrum is much more concerning and dangerous.

if her concerning behavior is instead communicating that she's having difficulty meeting a particular expectation, then simply ignoring the behavior will cause us to miss the boat on what's really getting in the way.

Competent manipulation requires various skills—forethought, planning, impulse control, organization—that, as you've read, are typically found lacking in kids with concerning behaviors.

kids do well if they can.

Just like the rest of us, they do poorly when life demands skills they're lacking. What behaviors does your child exhibit when that happens? Some kids cry, or pout, or sulk, or withdraw. While that's the "easy" end of the spectrum, those kids still need our help. Some hold their breath, scream, swear, kick, hit, have panic attacks, or destroy property. Some run away, bite, cut themselves, vomit, use weapons, or worse. This end of the spectrum is much more concerning

He's not motivated. If it's true that kids do well if they can, then the kid is already motivated and needs something else from us besides rewards and punishments. Remember, if the kid could do well he would do well, so poor motivation is unlikely to be what is truly keeping him from doing well. Rewards and punishments don't teach lagging thinking skills and don't solve the problems that precipitate challenging episodes.

He's making bad choices. This suggests that the kid already has the skills to be making good choices. Of course, if he had those skills, we wouldn't be wondering why he's making so many bad choices! He has a bad attitude.

behaviors simply indicate that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations

The vast majority of kids I've worked with over the years had already endured more than their fair share of consequences. If all those consequences were going to work, they would have worked a long time ago.

Feelings follow actions.

But the eventual results were too intriguing to ignore. When people were placed in front of a mirror, or told that their actions were being filmed, they consistently changed their behavior. These self-conscious people worked harder at laboratory tasks. They gave more valid answers to questionnaires (meaning that their answers jibed more closely with their actual behavior). They were more consistent in their actions, and their actions were also more consistent with their values.

The challenge of this book is to understand how perpetrators come to do things that others see as evil.

the higher your opinion of yourself, the more likely you are to get ego threats, and hence the more prone to violence you would be.