Quotes About Humor

I'm still no good at ball-and-stick games. If I go play golf with the guys, it's intended to be a joke.

I choose my actors well and get to know the quirks of their personalities - and, most of all, I share humor with them. Then I keep my eyes open when they rehearse and perform, because you never know where the next stimulation comes from.

To win the belt from Bisping, the hardest problem for me would be to train hard for him because he stinks. I'm just kidding, he's really good... No, I'm lying.

I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

Dylan Moran, my favourite comedian, was walking down the street in Edinburgh. I nearly got run over as I sprinted up to him to tell him I was his biggest fan. His stand-up comedy gives me a stitch from laughing.

Everyone that I have taken the mick out of, or told a story about, is someone I know properly or someone who has been a team-mate, and I know can take it. I am not stitching anyone up.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.

When I worked on 'The Daily Show,' we had some puppets made of myself, John Oliver, and Jon Stewart. When I left the show, I stole the puppet. I took what was rightfully mine.

I've got this inflatable Darth Vader that I stole off the roof of a Burger King. I went in and asked the girl at the counter if I could have it, and she said she didn't care, but she wasn't going to get me a ladder or anything like that. So I just kind of pulled myself up there, cut it loose and took off.

Elvis stole his sideburns from me.

My father and mother - I figured if I could make them laugh, they'd stop fighting. I stole all their material.

I don't think I've ever had a conversation with a comedian who stole except for when it's been in anger.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references.

I think some days you should do a cartoon that is absolutely just for the laugh, and some days you should do a cartoon that just punches the reader right in the stomach. It's kind of nice to mix it up.

At one point I'm doing belly-dancing, big mirror-ball in me belly button with couple of tassels and me head on fire and I thought, 'I could lose two stone.'

It's funny, having the same name as someone. Me, Emma Watson and Emma Stone, the amount of times I've been called Emma Watson or Emma Stone is so funny. It's just 'cause we're all named Emma. None of us look alike.

I went on the pill when I was 16, put on four stone... so that proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

I think that I identify with Philadelphia for a lot of reasons. Without even thinking about it, I called myself 'Philly's Constant Hitmaker' when I first got a MySpace, before I had any real hits. It was kind of just a funny slogan, basically lifted from the Rolling Stones' first album, 'England's Newest Hit Makers.'

I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can't thank ewe enough.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'