Quotes About Humor

I dedicate this book to Kristen, who somehow managed to handle me and our two rambunctious girls without resorting to either drugs or war.

There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?

Ich dachte, du ziehst es vor, C-Minus zu sprechen." "Das heißt C++", schalt sie ihn. "Ich weiß außerdem, dass Java mehr ist als nur Kaffee. Und Assembler nichts mit Ikea-Möbeln zu tun hat.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

Hooper ladled chum, which sounded to Brody, every time it hit the water, like diarrhoea.

A quick, sharp laugh from Quint broke the thread of tension. "What a pair of assholes," he said. "I seen that coming since you came aboard this morning.

At this point, if someone came in here and said he was Superman and he could piss that shark away from here, I'd say fine and dandy. I'd even hold his dick for him.

A dropped cat always lands on its feet. Buttered toast always lands buttered side down. Strap buttered toast to back of cat , & drop. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground ...

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

I met a man at a party. He said "I'm writing a novel" I said "Oh really? Neither am I.

One of the ways to avoid being beaten by the system is to laugh at it.

I may have done some other things as good but I am sure none better. I haven't matured, progressed, grown, become deeper, wiser, or funnier. But then, I never thought I would. (Peter Cook about Beyond the Fringe)

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff -- it is a palliative rather than a remedy.

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.

A man has to believe in something, and I believe I'll have another drink.

He was absurd, but then who isn't.

Anyone who hangs out on social media at all knows how effortlessly it can bring out the worst in us. Not me, of course, but everyone else. I'm an angel.

Ian kept his brain in his dick

Ian chuckled. "You know what the world's greatest oxymoron is?" "Happily married," Sid said wearily.

Greetings, human. We come in peace. Take me to your leader so I may serve you.' 'What?' 'Fried or baked?' 'Uh—?' 'Serve, get it? That's a first-contact joke.

Pompous old farts need to have the piss taken out of them every now and then." She put her hands together in Buddhist fashion, and crossed her eyes. "It puts them in touch with their Oneness.