Quotes About Humor

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

George Carlin's voice: "Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt.

Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.

Animation is not just for children - it's also for adults who take drugs.

Me? I'm a mocker!

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

When I imitate middle-class white speech, I see a flicker of unease cross the faces of the white people in the audience. Then, when I go into ghetto riff, the smiles return. They're fine as long as I am making fun of the same kind of people they make fun of, chinks and spics and niggers. But as soon as I start talking about them, I can clear a room.

It's real hard to come off as even slightly superior when you're living a Tom and Jerry episode.

It was horrifying. Khaki pants and polo shirts and exclamation points at the end of every sentence. Each introduction was like a kick in the groin. When someone made a bad joke it was like they'd taken a running start. I had to drop to one knee after this pale turtle-looking man with a huge Adam's apple and a headset touched his finger to his earpiece and said, "Houston, we have a new temp." I would never be able to have children.

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor. You don't want any woman to look under the carpet, guys, because there's lots of flaws underneath. Joanne believes my character in a film we did together, 'Mr. and Mrs. Bridge' comes closest to who I really am. I personally don't think there's one character who comes close . . . but I learned a long time ago not to disagree on things that I don't have a solid opinion about.

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.

I don't live with people, that's why my relationships last. I'm not romantic. Even when I was a teenager if somebody asked if they could hold my hand I'd say, - no, it's not heavy, I can hold it myself, thank you'.

In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait until they see how the child develops. Like in Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. "This is my oldest boy, Falls off His Tricycle, his friend, Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts."

If you're going to get a card for somebody you don't really care about, they should make cards that say that. "You're a friend of my wife's cousin–the hell with you." "We hardly know you. What did you expect, cash?"

I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that.

Rose and Ash were the kind of sickeningly cute couple that made Gin want to puke, especially when they acted all weird, doing things they thought were hilarious, but were just stupid as far she was concerned. Gin didn't know why Rose embarrassed herself in public like that.

Whenever I stumble over my own feet, or blurt out a thought that makes no sense at all, or leave the house wearing one pattern too many, I always think, It's okay, I'm from New Jersey. I love New Jersey, because it's not just an all-purpose punch line, but probably a handy legal defense, as in, "Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

Does she really need that many pairs of kneesocks? Aren't kneesocks just chastity belts for your shins?

Sometimes I think that we should send all of the Killer Mediums to Afghanistan because al-Qaeda wouldn't stand a chance.

Never be too amusing. An unfettered sense of humor is on the whole thought to be a good thing only for the poor - for the rich a sense of humor is a disaster.