Quotes About Humor

If you expect me to believe that a lawyer wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream , I must be dafter than I look.

I got Oedipus off the incest charge--technicality, of course--he didn't know it was his mother at the time.

I collect ex-boyfriends -- and more than five, at last count.

You nearly killed eight people! I managed to gasp out loud. My count was closer to twelve, returned Havisham as she opened the door. And anyhow, you can't nearly kill someone. Either they are dead or they are not.

The Goliath Corporation was to altruism what Genghis Khan was to soft furnishings.

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

The name is Schitt, he replied. Jack Schitt.

As it says on the Tshirts:'I don't scare easily - I'm a librarian.', which was the polite version of the original:'Don't give me any of your shit - I'm a librarian.

Are all our dates going to be like that? said Perkins. I hope not, I replied with a smile, but it was quite fun, wasn't it? I mean, it's not like we were killed or eaten or anything, right? If your idea of a good date is not being killed and eaten, you'll never be disappointed.

Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index.

She was named Jocaminca fforkes, with two small 'f's - as if having two 'f's wasn't pretentious enough

They had just digested a recent meal of prepositions and were happily farting out apostrophes and ampersands; the air was heav'y with th'em&.

On one memorable occasion Vronsky played all the parts in an abridged version of Anna Karenina when the rest of the cast were on strike for more blinis.

Don't anyone move. . . I think we've driven into a mimefield.

She had met the man who was now her husband. He was seven foot three, and she was six foot two and a quarter. It was a match made perhaps not in heaven but certainly nearer the ceiling.

If you drive at precisely twenty-nine miles per hour, the rumble strips play 'Jerusalem' on the car tires. Listen." Mary slowed to the correct speed and

He had found that all snails have the capacity to do over one hundred miles per hour and find their way to a given location with pinpoint accuracy, but didn't because they were horribly lazy and couldn't be bothered.

Are you married? Yes, I mumbled, that is to say - no. Come, come, said Havisham angrily. It is a simple enough question. I was married, I answered. Died? No, I mumbled, that is to say - yes. I'll try harder questions in future, announced Havisham, for you are obviously not adept at the easy ones.

Les presento al nuevo expósito, Tiger Prawns. Tiger te presento a las hermanas Karamázov. Deirdre y Deirdre. -¿Por qué se llaman igual? -Tenían un padre con muy poca imaginación.

You'll also be pleased to know that no resident has been eaten in their sleep here for almost thirty-seven years.

Mary? said an officer who was carrying a large potted plant in the manner of someone who thinks it is well outside his job description.

Mücken haben die blaue Ziege gestochen.

Got the rocket-propelled liquorice launcher handy?

To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.