Quotes About Communication

Say What You Mean: Don't Make Them Guess

Most of us assume that our feelings are static and nonnegotiable, and that if they are to be shared authentically, they must be shared "as is." In fact, our feelings are based on our perceptions, and our perceptions (as we have seen in the preceding three chapters) are negotiable.

Listen! Paradoxically, there is also considerable persuasion power in inquiry and listening. As we say in Chapter 9, listening is not just about taking in information. Listening well has an impact on the other person – it quiets their internal voice. When they feel heard and acknowledged, it is easier for them to hear you. And it also lets you know what they care about, which lays the foundation for creative problem solving.

What is the story we are telling ourselves that is giving rise to how we feel? What is our story missing? What might the other person's story be? Almost

If you are having a difficult conversation, and someone asks why you disagree, how come you never say, "Because what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense"?

Next, we need to explore our assumptions about the other person's intentions. To what extent are our feelings based on an untested assumption about their intentions? Might the other person have acted unintentionally, or from multiple and conflicting intentions? How does our view of their intentions affect how we feel? And what about our own intentions? What was motivating us? How might our actions have impacted them? Does that change how we feel?

Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly.

You can preface their expression with an admission that you are uncomfortable with these feelings, or that you aren't sure they make sense, but follow that preface by expressing them. Your purpose here is simply to get them out. You can decide what, if anything, to do about them later.

Moving Toward a Learning Conversation

This book will help you turn difficult conversations into learning conversations by helping you handle each of the Three Conversations more productively and improving your ability to handle all three at once.

People do sometimes worry that we are about to put someone's "face" at risk, but then visibly relax as they realize that we have put a joint problem on the table (from the third story, of course) with no hint of the blame frame.

Stop Arguing About Who's Right: Explore Each Other's Stories

And what you experience as an attack might in their mind be meant as a defense against your attack. What, you say, you never attacked them? Ah, there's the rub.

I've described the problem in a way we can each accept. Now I want to propose mutual understanding and problem-solving as purposes, check to see if this makes sense to you, and invite you to join me in a conversation.

If you're not going to answer right away, send a quick note explaining why and when you expect to get back to them. "Let me check with Dan, and I'll get back to you in a few days. If you haven't heard from me by Tuesday, please send a reminder. Thanks!

Can you help me understand . . . ?" you offer the role of advisor. "Let's work on how we might . . . ." invites a partnership. "I wonder whether it's possible to . . . ." throws out a challenge, one which offers the other person the potential role of hero.

They Think We Are the Problem

In the normal course of things, we don't notice the ways in which our story of the world is different from other people's.

Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other's Stories

First, paraphrasing gives you a chance to check your understanding. Difficult conversations are made harder when an important misunderstanding exists, and such misunderstandings are more common than we imagine. Paraphrasing gives the other person the chance to say, "No, that's not quite what I meant. What I really meant was . .

Arguing Without Understanding Is Unpersuasive

Second, paraphrasing lets the other person know they've been heard. Usually the reason someone repeats himself or herself in a conversation is because they have no indication that you've actually taken in what they've said. If you notice that the other person is saying the same thing over and over again, take it as a signal that you need to paraphrase more.

I definitely get the sense that you don't like discussing your schedule, at least not the way I bring it up. The problem for me is that I feel worried and I would like to share why in a way that's helpful. I don't seem to know how to do that, and I was wondering if you had any advice.

As you approach these chapters, have this question marinating in the back of your mind: Why is it that when we give feedback we so often feel right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong?