Quotes About Communication

When human beings acquired language, we learned not just how to listen but how to speak. When we gained literacy, we learned not just how to read but how to write. And as we move into an increasingly digital reality, we must learn not just how to use programs but how to make them. In the emerging highly programmed landscape ahead, you will either create the software or you will be the software. It's really that simple: Program, or be programmed.

The phones are smarter but we are dumber.

But feedback is not simply a thing the giver hands you and you receive. The two of you are building a puzzle—together.

Because when we set out to try to change someone, we are more likely to argue with and attack their story and less likely to listen. This approach increases the likelihood that they will feel defensive rather than open to learning something new. They are more likely to change if they think we understand them and if they feel heard and respected. They are more likely to change if they feel free not to.

difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.

But they are two different topics, and should be two different conversations. Trying to talk about both topics simultaneously is like mixing your apple pie and your lasagna into one pan and throwing it in the oven. No matter how long you bake it, it's going to come out a mess.

Talking successfully about feelings requires you to be scrupulous about taking the judgments, attributions, and statements of blame out of what you are saying, and putting the statement of feeling in. It is crucial to look at the actual words you are using to see whether those words really convey what you want them to. For

we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.

Listening well is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a difficult conversation.

The goal shouldn't be to remove interpretation or judgment. It should be to make judgments thoughtfully, and once made, to have them be transparent and discussable.

I appreciate that. I'm feeling bad too. Let's retrace our steps and think about how this happened. I suspect we may each have contributed to the problem. From your point of view, did I do anything differently this time?

When Blame Is the Goal, Understanding Is the Casualty

It's hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even if the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share.

The Truth Assumption As we argue vociferously for our view, we often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.

Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: If we try to avoid the problem, we'll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we'll wonder why we don't stick up for ourselves, and we'll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things.

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.

we can make a reasonable argument that engaging (well) in difficult conversations is a sign of health in a relationship.

Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you're doing that's exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.

If I'm the boss / parent, why can't I just tell my subordinates / children what to do?

While we all need to feel accepted as we are, we also need to hear feedback—particularly when our behavior is affecting others. Being accepted isn't an escape hatch from responsibility for consequences, as we discuss in more detail in chapter 10. So, seek acceptance. And work to make amends with the kids and with the funders (and with the car).

You know the problem is her—she brings out your worst. But it is your worst. It's you under pressure, you in conflict. It's here that we often have the most room to grow. When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don't see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time.

The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren't, to feel justified in raising an issue.

Step 5: Problem-Solving • Invent options that meet each side's most important concerns and interests. • Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual caretaking; relationships that always go one way rarely last. • Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.