Quotes About Irony

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

How can there be self-help groups?

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?