Quotes About Contradiction

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!

You can't have it both ways. Either I'm Irish and can talk, or I'm a man and I can't.

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

Oh, come on! Nobody's favorite color is BROWN!