Quotes About Performance

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

It's a very important skill set for an actor to be able to bring the humor into any moment, whether you're doing drama or comedy.