Quotes About Performance

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I think comedy is the hardest art form there is.

I'm more of a clown, a tragic clown. Yeah. I just like humor to come out of characters.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

Street performances?""A little singing. A little martial arts. Some interpretive dance.""Wow.""I know! The Portuguese have taste.

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

On the Rolling Stones - You will walk out of the Amphitheatre after watching the Stones perform and suddenly the Chicago stockyards smell clean and good by comparison.

I'm not sorry it stopped. [on Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"]