Quotes About George Carlin

I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved those comedy specials.

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

George Carlin, Brain Droppings

The first thing I said to myself on 9/11 was, 'There go our civil rights.' I found out by comparing notes later that George Carlin and I both said that at the exact same time. That's the first thing that popped into our head.

One of my greatest inspirations for stand-up was Jonathan Winters. He was a genius. One thing about him, and also Lenny Bruce, is that they were in the tradition of the one-man show. That's why Richard Pryor was so great, and George Carlin, too. They prowled the stage, they used voices, they were really talents.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you!

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, Fuck waffles.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

Motivation is bullshit, if you ask me this country could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the ones who are causing all the trouble! Stock swindlers, serial killers, child molesters, Christian conservatives? These people are highly motivated, highly motivated. I think motivation is overrated, you show me some lazy prick who's lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis and I'll show you someone who's not causing any fucking trouble ok?

And if they tell you you're not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.