Quotes About Understanding

Remember, your loved one's behavior is not about you. You may feel controlled or taken advantage of through threats, no-win situations, the silent treatment, rages, and other methods that seem unfair. But, no matter what the person with BPD may say, everything that's going on stems not from you, but from the disorder, and the deep pain your loved one feels inside.

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook)

People with BPD need their friends and family members to be stable and clear—not to reject them and not to smother them. They need you to let them take care of themselves and to not do things for them that they can do for themselves. The best way to do this and help them is by working on yourself.

For the first time, I understood on a gut level that those years of unprovoked emotional assaults weren't really about me. They probably resulted from his own sense of shame and his intense fears of being abandoned. The discovery that he was a victim, too, turned some of my anger into compassion.

Do not disparage the BP—no matter how much you think he or she deserves it. Instead, sincerely express your concern for the BP or acknowledge your own confusion about why the BP would say such things. Be cautious about discussing BPD or any other psychological problem—people may misunderstand and think you are trying to belittle the BP.

This lack of empathy also means that someone with NPD has no capacity for intimacy. This is a hard message to take in, we know. But we encourage you to become honest about what's not beneath your loved one's veneer of superiority.

Heldmann believes that things that get in the way of listening include preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the other person is going to say, and twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.

But it is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to.

People with BPD feel all emotions intensely, not just anger.

It's useless to debate whether you "should" feel angry, because the fact is that you do. It's your job to tell Sue how you feel. It's Sue's job to tell you how she feels. You don't have to—nor should you—feel it necessary to convince Sue that your way of thinking is best. Instead, you simply need to protect yourself in the future now that you know Sue's attitude about tardiness.

Pay attention to the person's words, body language, expressions, and tone of voice. This will help you validate the person's feelings. People with BPD are not always in touch with their own emotions, and by listening closely you may be able to hear beyond the words and detect the feelings that lie beneath the surface. In

Listen to the children nonjudgmentally. Help them trust their own perceptions.

Separate your feelings from those of the person with BPD. Earlier in this book, we explained that people with BPD often use projection to try to get others to feel their feelings for them. You may need to keep checking yourself to determine whose feelings are whose. If you start to feel helpless or angry, is it because the other person is projecting his or her own helplessness or anger onto you?

Your feelings need to be validated just as much as those of the person with BPD.

Keep in mind that while borderline behavior can be difficult for adults to cope with, it is much harder for children. They have no sense of perspective, little experience, and little or no intellectual understanding of BPD. Furthermore, they are dependent on their borderline parents to meet their most basic physical and emotional needs.

Allow people to be who they are instead of what you want them to be. Send healthy support messages like, "I'm here if you need me, but your choices—and the consequences—belong to you.

listening gives you the opportunity to learn.

Generally, "I" statements make people less defensive and more open to exploring a solution to the problem.

Reflective listening is another helpful style of communicating where you give the speaker your impression of what he or she is feeling to show you are listening and that you care.

Many people we talked to for this book told us that the person with BPD in their life seemed to be aware of their triggers.

Remember, to someone with BPD, making a mistake means being a mistake.)

Heldmann suggests paraphrasing, or repeating, the key points of the speaker's statements to show that you want to understand what the person is saying. Develop your own style of doing this so it comes across naturally.

The moment that changed me for ever was the moment my first child was born. I was happy, filled with hope, and thought, 'Now I understand the whole point of work, of life, of love.'

Travel works best when you're forced to come to terms with the place you're in.