Quotes About Conflict

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.

we can make a reasonable argument that engaging (well) in difficult conversations is a sign of health in a relationship.

So here we are. Torn. Is it possible that feedback is like a gift and like a colonoscopy? Should we hang in there and take it, or turn and run? Is the learning really worth the pain? We are conflicted.

You know the problem is her—she brings out your worst. But it is your worst. It's you under pressure, you in conflict. It's here that we often have the most room to grow. When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don't see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time.

The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren't, to feel justified in raising an issue.

At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.

Relationship triggers produce hurt, suspicion, and sometimes anger. The way out is to disentangle the feedback from the relationship issues it triggers, and to discuss both, clearly and separately. In practice, we almost never do this. Instead, as receivers, we take up the relationship issues and let the original feedback drop.

There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade

Trying to talk about both topics simultaneously is like mixing your apple pie and your lasagna into one pan and throwing it in the oven. No matter how long you bake it, it's going to come out a mess.

Sometimes people have honest disagreements, but even so, the most useful question is not "Who's right?" but "Now that we really understand each other, what's a good way to manage this problem?

Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Giving a critical performance review. Saying no to someone in need. Confronting disrespectful or hurtful behavior. Disagreeing with the majority in a group. Apologizing. At work, at home, and across the backyard fence, difficult conversations are attempted or avoided every day.

The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront, It Seems There Is No Good Path

As we argue vociferously for our view, we often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.

What leads you to say that?" "Can you give me an example?" "What would that look like?" "How would that work?" "How would we test that hypothesis?

For many people, realizing that they don't have to agree brings a sense of great liberation, relief, and empowerment.

You can establish an evaluation-free zone by respecting the following guidelines: share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame); save problem-solving until later; and don't monopolize.

As you embark upon a difficult conversation, ask yourself, "Have I said what is at the heart of the matter for me? Have I shared what is at stake?" If not, ask yourself why, and see if you can find the courage to try.

If you are having a difficult conversation, and someone asks why you disagree, how come you never say, "Because what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense"?

People do sometimes worry that we are about to put someone's "face" at risk, but then visibly relax as they realize that we have put a joint problem on the table (from the third story, of course) with no hint of the blame frame.

We Think They Are the Problem

And what you experience as an attack might in their mind be meant as a defense against your attack. What, you say, you never attacked them? Ah, there's the rub.

They're irrational.

They Think We Are the Problem

Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other's Stories