Quotes About Perspective

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that ever happened to me.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

There's a story everywhere. Being bored to death someplace is basically a funny proposition. What you have to watch out for is you don't write a boring story about a boring place.

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

The older I get, the faster I was.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

All men are equal before fish.

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you.

Art is so often better at theology than theology is.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.

Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we'd be here every freakin' day.

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.