Quotes About Perception

Managing truth triggers is not about pretending there's something to learn, or saying you think it's right if you think it's wrong. It's about recognizing that it's always more complicated than it appears and working hard to first understand. And even if you decide that 90 percent of the feedback is off target, that last golden 10 percent might be just the insight you need to grow.

The error we make in the realm of intentions is simple but profound : we assume we know the intentions of others when we don't. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone's intentions, we too often decide they are bad.

Peanuts aren't nuts. Whales aren't fish. Tomatoes aren't vegetables. And attributions, judgments, and accusations aren't feelings.

What is the story we are telling ourselves that is giving rise to how we feel? What is our story missing? What might the other person's story be? Almost

Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly.

Of course, neither Doug nor Andrew walked away from the parade thinking, "I enjoyed my particular perspective on the parade based on the information I paid attention to." Each walked away thinking, "I enjoyed the parade." Each assumes that what he paid attention to was what was significant about the experience. Each assumes he has "the facts.

We Think They Are the Problem

And what you experience as an attack might in their mind be meant as a defense against your attack. What, you say, you never attacked them? Ah, there's the rub.

the normal course of things, we don't notice the ways in which our story of the world is different from

They're irrational.

They Think We Are the Problem

In the normal course of things, we don't notice the ways in which our story of the world is different from other people's.

Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently

We Notice Different Things.

As you approach these chapters, have this question marinating in the back of your mind: Why is it that when we give feedback we so often feel right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong?

We Have Different Interpretations

And it is the bullwhip of negative judgment—from ourselves or others—that produces much of our anxiety around feedback. Surprisingly, reassurance—"You can do this" and "I believe in you"—also falls into the category of additional judgments, but on the positive side.

People align their actions with implicit incentives, not official rhetoric.

The evaluation conversation needs to take place first. When a professor hands back a graded paper, the student will first turn to the last page to check their grade. Only then can they take in the instructor's margin notes. We can't focus on how to improve until we know where we stand.

And recognize that different people take in information at different speeds and in different ways. For example, some people are visually oriented. For them, you may want to use visual metaphors and refer to pictures or, in a business setting, charts. Some people prefer to get their arms around the whole problem first, and can't listen to anything else you say until they do. Others like all the details up front. Pay attention to these differences.

You can begin from the Third Story by saying, "My sense is that you and I see this situation differently. I'd like to share how I'm seeing it, and learn more about how you're seeing it.

Even when we have access to the same data, we tend to notice different things. We are all moving along the same sidewalk, but the historian may notice the brickwork, the jogger the impact on her knees, and the fellow in the wheelchair the areas that are less accessible. We're engulfed by information—far too much to take in—and so we select small samples to pay attention to and ignore the rest.

Yet he could not enjoy the walk. In the morning especially a bougainvillaea looks handmade, lawns are always lawns, and it is true indeed that dogs smell fear. Cats don't say.

Your feelings result entirely from how you're thinking right now. It is your thoughts, and not the circumstances of your life, that create all your feelings. You feel the way you think.