Quotes About David Sedaris

He took a sip of my father's weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit's like making love in a canoe." "Excuse me?" "It's fucking near water.

I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters

I heard David Sedaris read live recently which was a complete delight. Few writers make me laugh out loud on the bus. He does.

Media is so weird; everything is so accessible now. It used to be this thing where, if you did something on 'This American Life,' this predates me, but when David Sedaris did it, for example, it would just play, people who heard it heard it, and then the book would come out a year later, and people would be like, 'Ahh, I kind of remember that.'

Experience has shown me that standing by oneself reading from one's book isn't especially compelling - unless you're David Sedaris.

Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.

Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself.

I'm not a misogynist. I'm a misanthrope. I hate everyone equally.

Six months earlier, my ice breaker concerned a stripper who became a quadriplegic and eventually had her vagina eaten away by bedsores, not the easiest thing to wrangle into a conversation. But if I could pull that off, I figured that a burning mouse should pose no problem.

You have what we in France call 'good time teeth,'" she said. "Why on earth would you want to change them?" "Um, because I can floss with the sash to my bathrobe?

She paused, and I took the opportunity to practice the only promotional skill at my disposal: fluttering my fingers over the telephone's mouthpiece, I attempted to cast a spell, silently chanting, It's me who you want. Me, me, me.

It was the stupidest thing the cat had ever heard of, an AA program in prison.

this former director of the FBI whom we all hated until someone we hated even more fired him.

Bill Gates, who has murdered more innocents than even the Clintons, apparently.

Ebola, not the thousands who had died of it in Africa but the single person who had it in Dallas.

North Carolina is temperate and populated with well-meaning people; therefore I will engage in oral sex with another man.

I noticed my mother's face assume an expression she reserved for unspeakable horror. I had seen this look only twice before: once when she was caught in the path of a charging, rabid pig and then again when I told her I wanted a peach-colored velveteen blazer with matching slacks.

He told me that his sister is clinically depressed and read Naked during a month-long visit to a psychiatric hospital. According to him, once she'd finished, she loaned it to a fellow patient, who, in turn, loaned it to someone else. The book seemed to lift people's spirits, and as a result, the hospital has made it recommended reading. I'm not sure whether I believe this, but it's extremely flattering to think my book is being passed around a German asylum.

In his work shirt and underpants, he looked powerful but also cartoonish, like a bear dressed up for a job interview.