Quotes from Dossie Easton

For us, when our sexual lifestyle is essential to our sense of identity, anybody who doesn't know about our kink doesn't really know us.

A technique for good listening is to listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting and let them know you heard them by telling them what you think they just said.

We have been taught that forgiveness is a singular act to be completed in one sitting. That is not so. Forgiveness has many layers. It is also taught that forgiveness means to overlook, to act as though a thing had not occurred. This is not true either.

psychologist Wilhelm Reich theorized that the suppression of sexuality was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of antisexual morality, he believed, people would be free from shame and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war against their wishes, or to operate death camps. Perhaps if we were raised without shame and guilt about our desires, we might be freer people in more ways than simply the sexual.

Cuando empezamos a cuestionar todas las maneras en que nos han dicho que debíamos ser, podemos empezar a editar y rescribir las grabaciones antiguas. Rompiendo las normas, a la vez nos liberamos y nos empoderamos.

Many of us start out paralyzed by shame and embarrassment, even after we figure out that we don't want to be embarrassed by sex. The beliefs we were taught—that our bodies, our desires, and sex are dirty and wrong—make it very hard to develop healthy sexual self-esteem.

Write this on your mirror: sexually successful people masturbate. You are not jerking or buzzing off because you are a loser, because you can't find anyone to play with, or because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You're making love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good.

It's not easy being easy.

You might also want to do some thinking about how much time you need to get your needs met: do you really have to stay over and have breakfast together the next day, or would an hour or two of cuddling and talk be just as nice?

One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, relationship anarchy, refers to a lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a "primary" and others as "secondaries" (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each relationship as separate and to make as few rules as possible.

When we blame, we fail to shoulder our part of the burden; we project the responsibility for whatever is wrong onto another, usually to protect ourselves from feeling terribly guilty or anxious. When we blame, we also disempower ourselves – if it's all your fault, then I must be impotent.

Dossie, giving a lecture on consent to about two hundred people, asked those who had never been sexually assaulted to stand up.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

BDSM gives us permission to act in ways that are unacceptable in the outside world

One of the most valuable things we learn from open sexual lifestyles is that our programming about love, intimacy, and sex can be rewritten. When we begin to question all the ways we have been told we ought to be, we can begin to edit and rewrite our old tapes.

We believe that the fundamental sexual unit is one person; adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete anybody.

Don't give up! Your therapist author Dossie specializes in healing old wounds for trauma survivors and is happy to announce that many people find ways to deal with their history of violation, take care of themselves when painful memories show up, succeed in reclaiming ownership of their bodies, and enjoy a free and happy sexuality.

If you have a partner who is struggling with reclaiming their sexuality from an ugly history of violence, we hope that you will choose to become an ally in that struggle and find the patience to support the work that needs to be done to claim a joyous sexuality.

We bottom in order to go to places within ourselves and with our partners that we cannot get to without a top. To explore these spaces, we need someone to push us over the edge in the right ways, and to keep us safe while we're out there flying.

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own feelings . No one "makes" you feel jealous or insecure—the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you. Even when somebody deliberately tries to hurt you, you make a choice about how you feel.

Cuando has construido una relación satisfactoria contigo mismo, entonces tienes algo de gran valor para compartir con los demás.

When we see someone who intrigues us, we like to feel free to respond, and, as we explore our response, to discover whatever is special about this new, fascinating person. We like relating to different kinds of people and reveling in how our differences expand our horizons and offer us new ways to be ourselves.

If you have a lover and a best friend who are not the same person, you're already practicing many of the skills of sluthood as you manage each of their needs for intimacy, time, and affection.

Our beliefs about traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," this is the family we are talking about: an extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization to accomplish the work of staying alive.