Quotes from Dylan Moran

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I wanted to show off - a simple impulse or drive; in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural; it just depends on how you want to show off.

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

I was very into New Order, Joy Division, all of that when I was younger. I had a lot of bootlegs that I saved up my pocket money to buy. I had all the obscure early EPs.

When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office.

Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.