Quotes from Dylan Moran

I'm organised in some ways, but not in others.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Red meat is not bad for you

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.