Quotes from Russell Howard

I spent a lot of my childhood sat on a wall thinking, waiting for my mum to pick me up.

I get panic attacks about dying, it's terrible. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain goes 'you're going to die, you're going to die, you're going to die.'

In the summer Regent's Park is one of the best places in the world with every nationality playing every sport.

Seinfeld' was never a show in the U.K.

I find it really weird, when I'm shopping in Tesco, the amount of times I have people like: 'What you doing in here? You're famous!'

I don't like doing things badly, that just feels like a waste of a day.

You can make bleak things funny but if you're glib about it, it doesn't work.

I just assume a lot of people hate me. You just have to suck it up.

Because I don't wear a suit, and have such a horrible boy band face, people assume that I'm not doing satirical material.

It's just a joy travelling with your job. You get to wander around these interesting cities and then things happen or you observe things and you go on stage at the end of the night and chat about it.

I wanna be incidental characters in 'Only Fools and Horses,' that would have been good. I wouldn't mind playing Trigger, Trigger would have been good.

I'm not really a cake man. I'm more a savoury guy.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I'm really not into technology at all. My brother has to plug the Xbox in for me.