Quotes from J. B. Smoove

I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.

I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.

I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.

I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.

I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.