Quotes from Sarah Millican

I've written four jokes ever about cakes. But because they were show jokes, they were on the telly a lot. And everywhere I go people give me cupcakes. I don't eat them, I give them away.

One thing I love and miss when I'm on the road is company when sitting in front of the box. I love watching telly with my fella.

Phillip Schofield has always been my primary crush. Sure, I danced in front of the telly when Shakin' Stevens was on Top of the Pops, but that was because my rudimentary grasp of how telly works made this five-year-old think she could be seen by him. So that was less love, more showing off.

I don't have a telly in my bedroom. I think the bedroom should be saved for more appropriate things, like sleeping, eating biscuits, sorting through your knicker drawer and, of course, the thing that should only be done with someone you know really well - naps.

Stand-up on the telly is one thing, but seeing it live is something else. There are brilliant comedians playing to rooms above pubs and arts centres around the corner from where you live. And anything could happen at a live gig.

I'm old enough to remember the days when you actually missed your favourite programme. Missed it. And cried. Possibly because you were a child, but not always.

Fancy expensive designer shops are out for me as I'm a size 18, sometimes 20, and I therefore do not count as a woman to them.

My natural way is when I'm live; I'm like that in natural conversation as well, a bit filthy.

I'm always a bit late, but I don't mind that, because it means that whoever I'm meeting is already there.

I'd hate to live where people knew my history. I love familiarity on holiday but not at home, as I'm sure my neighbours would testify - if I'd ever met them.

My sister saved me from drowning. I shouted at her because she pulled me out of the pool and hurt my arm.

The telly's almost always on. It's how I wind down after a show. It's how I relax on a rare night off. It educates me, entertains me and makes a hotel room feel a lot more cosy.

All of my stuff is based on personal stories to back up my arguments. It's not a lecture, it's still comedy. I think a lot of comics forget that you can have a theme but that it shouldn't replace the jokes.

But from my very first gig I've always been pretty filthy, but that's why we have an age restriction. And I make sure that the quotes on the poster say it's going to be a bit rude.

As I ran out of grandparents at the age of 16, the only time I ever see old folk is when I'm over-taking them on a motorway, they're in my audience laughing at filth, or in any park.

There are a million reasons why I might not do well at a gig. But none of them are because I'm a woman.

To say I've never seen 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' would be a lie. I once woke up too early in a hotel and put the telly on low to help me drift back off to sleep. Then woke up to such loud shouting that I thought the place was on fire.

My entire book was typed with three fingers and a very confident space-bar thumb.

Being a comedian is harder if you can't drive. You can't take last-minute gigs as easily, because the on-the-day train ticket is your whole fee, if not more. Getting a lift off someone you've never met is normal, but still odd.

I am very new to cooking. At school, our home economics lessons were very poor. We were told to pick a recipe and then cook it. So no actual teaching involved then.

For someone who is rarely on time, my body clock always knows when it's too early to go to bed and I just lie there in the dark like I'm hiding.

But I do, like proper cooks, have an oven burn on my arm. I ran it under the tap for a couple of minutes but then the biscuits I'd made were cool enough to eat and I had to make a choice. Tiny scar and full belly it is then.

I'm not good in all emergencies. The frustration of an unopenable jar of jam can tip me over the edge, but at least I could use it adequately to cave in the heads of the undead.

I got married at 22, which, at the time, didn't seem young. I don't regret it because you can only make the decisions that feel right at the time, otherwise you'll just be cautious about everything and that's no way to live.