Quotes from Sarah Millican

I'm not interested in the what-do-you-do-for-a-living questions.

It's probably a generalisation to say this, but occasionally I'll see a bloke who laughs only after he's checked his girlfriend did. I tend to imagine that's a rocky relationship, to be fair.

Sorry, I love the internet. Since I got my cats, I don't look at clips so much. Like a teenage boy with a real live girlfriend. But I am always sucked into clips of unlikely animal friendships.

When I'm on tour, telly-watching happens at unusual times for me. After a hotel breakfast, I generally catch up on 'Homes Under Hammer' and 'This Morning', while replying to emails and dozing slightly. A full belly will do that to a woman.

There is something liberating and defiant about going on stage and saying you are 36 and 13 stone.

My dad is a storyteller. I've heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them so brilliantly and still knows where to put the funny bit.

When I was a kid, I had a friend who went on holiday to the same place every year and I never understood why. My ten-year-old eyes always wanted new things to look at - new branches of WH Smiths to look for Sweet Valley High books in, and different campsites or self-catering cottages to explore.

Our little cat comes for a snuggle, then the big cat mews for a stroke and moves a few paces, then another stroke, then another few paces, until we realise he has mewed us into the kitchen where their food bowls are. So they eat, we eat, and then we get on with our days.

I once kissed a boy at my first job because he offered to record the Oscars for me.

Survival is something I've always managed. To be fair, my parents did the first 16 years without any input from me. I ploughed through many a KitKat, but it was their insistence on vegetables and coats that kept me alive.

I used to help my maternal grandad in his garden. He was a lovely, kind man. He turned his spare bedroom into a greenhouse because he didn't have room in the garden, and I remember rows of polythened plants stuffed in there.

One thing Aussie telly does well is slightly different versions of programmes we've made. The trailers for 'Celebrity Splash' prove they don't just pick the good stuff either.

I'm a fan of the fly-on-the-wall-type documentary, even if I'm not particularly interested in the location of the wall.

An audience not laughing is nothing when your husband's just told you he doesn't love you any more.