Quotes from Sarah Millican

Because I started doing stand-up relatively late - 29 - someone can shout something at me but it's not going to be as bad as some of the things I've experienced. I've lived a bit.

And bookish people who do their homework and get it in on time and it's good - they don't have friends at school. I never really got in the cliques. I didn't have the right shoes or hair.

I'm a huge fan of 'Glee'. Every episode I watch makes me that much happier, and I think it should be obligatory for all people to watch it. I just love the joy!

In our family, when you have a part-time job you are then responsible for non-essential clothing. Glittery tops, skirts with tassels, clompy patent leather shoes that are the sensible girl's version of stilettos.

I am a comedian. You may or may not find me funny, but the fact remains, that I am a comedian.

I try to cover three food groups at breakfast. I see that as a licence to eat rubbish for the rest of the day. Touring equals a lot of sandwiches.

Try as I might, I cannot fall asleep before 2am. I sometimes try, putting tea towels over the clocks and forcing myselt to go to bed at 12.30am. I never win.

Podcasts can entertain you in a traffic jam and stop you dying when driving a bit tired.

A lot of people think that being skinny is the happy ending, and it's not. Being happy is the happy ending.

I've never been to a school reunion. Mainly because I'm still in touch with my two friends and after them, I only really liked the teachers. I'm pretty sure no one invites teachers to school reunions.

My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.

The way it works in my family is as follows: they first loosen their grip at 16 when you are encouraged to get a Saturday job. I was clamouring to start earning and had been doing cleaning jobs around the house for small amounts of money for years.

I think life is full of moments. And it's important to remember those moments. Take a mental snapshot if you can. For me, they are either when I feel truly happy or a standout moment in my career.

Well, I have to say, I used to spend a lot of time looking at cat videos on the internet. It's like YouTube have sent me an e-mail asking if I'm alright because I haven't been on in ages.

Recommendations can be tricky. I'm happy to steer someone towards something ace and away from something rubbish, but my only tool is my opinion.

I don't worry about a zombie apocalypse. Mainly because it's unlikely, but also because I think I'd be pretty good in that type of emergency.

I've never made a secret of the fact that I love watching telly. I write this column about it and have made three TV series about it, too.

I only started driving lessons because of comedy - before that, there's be no need. There was a bus from where I lived to where I worked and I had a very obliging, mobile sister.

There are few things I like more than to see old people twinkling. A shopping centre I frequent has Tea Dance Tuesdays and I regularly pop by to see the over- 60s twirling about to a live band.

I might look like somebody who lives next door but I've a dark, twisted sense of humour.

You can't nap with just anyone. It's weird. I can honestly say I've only napped with six people.

For people who've never seen me before, some of my material is quite a surprise. I look like your sister or neighbour, and then I come out with something quite dark or shocking, and it's so unexpected.

If you look at a bill of comics at a comedy club they spread the women out over the months because there aren't that many women doing it.

I'm very protective of my material. And you have to be, because it's very easy for people just to steal jokes.