Quotes from John Lloyd

The rickshaw was invented by an American missionary, Jonathan Scobie, who first used it to wheel his invalid wife through the streets of Yokohama, Japan, in 1869.

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. TIGER WOODS

In May 2014, the Moon had faster broadband than most of rural Britain.

Sending a man to the Moon and finding Osama Bin Laden cost the US government about the same amount of time and money: ten years and $100 billion.

William Frederick 'Buffalo Bill' Cody, hunter, Indian-fighter and showman, joined the Pony Express – the West's legendary mail service – at the age of fourteen, in response to an ad which ran: 'WANTED young skinny wiry fellows not over eighteen. Must be expert riders willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages $25 a week.

Noggin is a protein that forms the skull.

I can help you shape your sitcom, I can help you think about what could make your sketch show better, but it won't help you get you a commission.

Jokes are a lot about meaning. I think if we understand what jokes mean and why they work, we'd understand everything else. Genuinely I do.

I do have at home the most ridiculous number of awards for what I have done, which is nice in terms of being patted on the back, yet it does cure you of caring about what other people say about you. Ultimately, you must have your own standard of what is good enough.

I spoke Spanish when I was three, and then Maltese. I love dictionaries. I like foreigners. My dad moved every year before I was 14, and I learnt to like abroad. I'm not scared of change.

I'd never bought the idea that you don't lose money by underestimating the intelligence of the audience. Although perhaps I should add that I've never really made that much money.

I have very strong views on TV. There's no diversity, there's no choice. Things are decided by committee.

Margaret Thatcher was part of the team that invented Mr Whippy ice cream.

In ancient Greek the word 'idiot' meant anyone who wasn't a politician.

In 1997, 39 people in the UK found themselves in hospital with tea-cosy-related injuries.

The Dyslexia Research Centre is in Reading.

1 in 50 Americans claim to have been abducted by aliens.

The one who is not dead still has a chance.

Mongolians will never eat a marmot's armpits because "they contain the soul of a dead hunter.

St. Brigid of Ireland, the 6th-century abbess of Kildare, was noted for the miracle of transforming her used bathwater into beer for visiting clerics.

British spies stopped using semen as invisible ink because it began to smell if it wasn't fresh.

Casanova was a librarian.

he thinks there are only three important things in life: 'The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.

In March 2014, an Australian python swallowed a chihuahua and found itself chained to a kennel.