Quotes from John Lloyd

It is impossible to test accurately how long a severed head remains conscious, if at all. The best estimate is between five and thirteen seconds.

Britons are 16 times more likely to understand the rules of Quidditch than the rules of croquet.

Information is fleeting. Human records are broken; new particles are discovered; fresh historical documents come to light. Dinosaurs turn out not to be giant grey iguanas after all, but multicoloured feathery proto-birds of all shapes and sizes. Right now, even the daddy of all facts, the Big Bang theory, is looking wobbly.

St. Bernards have never, ever carried brandy barrels. The dog's mission is entirely teetotal—apart from anything else, giving brandy to someone with hypothermia is a disastrous mistake—but tourists have always loved the idea, so they still pose wearing them.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. BERTRAND RUSSELL

The boa constrictor is the only living animal whose common name is exactly the same as its scientific name.

Since 1980, the salaries of executives in FTSE 100 companies have risen by 4,000% compared to 300% for their employees.

The reason everyone thinks all frogs go "ribbit" is that "ribbit" is the distinctive call of the Pacific tree frog (Hyla regilla). This is the frog that lives in Hollywood.

Kummerspeck ("grief bacon") is German for the weight put on from eating too much when feeling sorry for yourself.

Only ignorant foreigners call it Bangkok, which hasn't been used in Thailand for more than two hundred years. For Europeans (and every single one of their encyclopedias) to go on calling the capital of Thailand Bangkok is a bit like Thais insisting that the capital of Britain is called Billingsgate or Winchester.

Robert Burns was never called Rabbie or Robbie—though he did occasionally call himself Spunkie.

There are over 1,200 species of bat in the world and not one of them is blind. There are 4,800 species of frog in the world but only one of them goes 'ribbit'. Eight times as many people belong to the National Trust as to the Conservative, Labour and Liberal Democrat parties combined. Every human being starts out life as an arsehole: it's the first part of the body to form in the womb.

Introducing 'Lite' – The new way to spell 'Light', but with 20 per cent fewer letters. JERRY SEINFELD

Your hair grows more quickly when you're anticipating sex.

Kangaroos have three vaginas.

Plants grow more quickly if you talk to them in a Geordie accent.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. OSCAR WILDE

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. IRWIN CAREY

Astronomers have recently discovered a massive amount of alcohol in our region of the Milky Way. The giant cloud of methanol measures 288 billion miles across. Although the alcohol we like to drink is grain alcohol (otherwise known as ethyl alcohol or ethanol) and methanol would poison us, the discovery goes some way to supporting the theory that the universe is here so that we can drink it.

Every man is as Nature made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. MIGUEL DE CERVANTES

The Dead were no better than us – they made mistakes, behaved badly, lost the plot, lost hope, treated each other cruelly – and, as we have seen, they certainly cannot be said to have had better lives. Ultimately, though, whatever they started with, and however badly it sometimes ended, all of our distinguished Dead did something that made a difference – and they did it by making something of themselves.

the Massachusetts School for Idiotic Children

Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. DAVE BARRY

Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. MIGUEL DE CERVANTES