Quotes from Carl Hiaasen

want Mrs. Starch to come back!

When Erin arrived, she saw an old man stretched out on the floor. He was surrounded by young medical technicians in blue jumpsuits. One of them knelt beside the lifeless form, thumping the man's chest in perfect time to Janet Jackson's 'Rhythm Nation,' which was playing on the club speakers.

Those who ignore history are doomed to get their nuts cut.

by Monroe County Sheriff Sonny Summers said

I never met a survivalist. How do you get a job like that anyway?' She smiled wanly. 'First you need a TV show.

Under what circumstances," she'd mused to Martin the hairdresser one Sunday morning in bed, "could you envision Jesus Christ, a humble carpenter, hawking rosaries at the Vatican Gift Shop?

Malcolm J. Moldowsky could see the ugliness unfolding. It would take all his subterranean talents to save the sugar bill, and he couldn't do it if Dilbeck got caught in a sex scandal. After years of slithering through political gutters, Moldowsky was still amazed at how primevally stupid most politicians could be, on any given night.

He said, "My life story is this: I've killed five men, and I've been married five times." Christina slowly pulled her hand away. "Which scares you more?" Mick Stranahan said.

and a surly young burglar (handcuffed to his chair) who'd been bitten by a police dog in a very sensitive area of his body.

In appearance though, Darrell seemed anything but a criminal. Erin was still naive enough to believe that all crooks had bad teeth, greasy hair and jailhouse tattoos. She assumed that cleancut, good-looking men enjoyed the same natural advantages as cleancut, good-lucking women: the world treated you better, and consequently there was no reason for unwholesome behavior.

Wahoo's father had absolutely no use for creeps who beat on small animals, especially kids.

Jim Tile was questioning Augustine about the skulls on the wall. "Cuban voodoo?

Satan follows me through the door, flops down on the rug, and farts.

I thought this was supposed to be a class neighborhood, what they call upscale. Hell, I live in a trailer park, and I wouldn't let my dogs take a leak on somebody's personal vee-hicle.

Brian Keyes slouched on a worn bench in the lobby of the Dade County jail, waiting to see the creep the cops just caught.

private investigator. Which he actually was. So the turtle-eyed sergeant ignored him.

Underwood." Normally

Derek wants to do this totally wild and raw." "Slow and dumb doesn't mix with wild and raw." "Thanks for your input, Mr. Cray." "Seriously. The man almost got killed by the world's laziest alligator.

Janet Bunterman had no reason to believe her husband, who for several years had been carrying on a relationship with a bisexual Danish couple who owned a consignment shop in Pasadena. Sometimes he accompanied them on long weekends to Ojai or Moab. Janet Bunterman tolerated Ned Bunterman's antics because he did a semi-competent job of managing their daughter's earnings, and because Janet herself was sweatily involved with her thirty year old tennis instructor.

I fell down the stairs. What happened to your hair?" Raven's face purpled. "I don't know what you mean.

Okay, I'll adopt a kid. That would be huge. No, three kids! Tell Maury to get all over it.' 'Honey, no,' Janet Bunterman said. She endeavored to squelch the idea without stating the obvious: that her daughter was unfit to care for a goldfish, much less a child.

As she grew older, Erin accepted the fact that her mother was a restless gold digger who would never be happy, never be satisfied. On the other hand, her husbands knew exactly what they were getting and didn't seem to care. It taught Erin one of life's great lessons: an attractive woman could get whatever she wanted, because men were so laughably weak.

Martin Trebeaux had purchased a fleet of marine barges using the proceeds from a poshly falsified BP oil-spill claim.

Ernesto Cabal, alias Little Ernie, alias No-Way José, was sitting disconsolately on the crapper when the trusty opened the cell for Brian Keyes.