Quotes from Carl Hiaasen

Jimmy Lee Baylis was a wise man, and knew better than to talk back to the man who signed his paycheck.

But Erin let it slide. The child was only four years old; she had a whole lifetime to learn about sadness. Today was for Dalmatians, ice cream and new dolls.

Nobody said he was Alvin Einstein.

A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid.

Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me." "You don't know that." "Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go.

In his own mind, it was never a matter of courage. But courage it was.

My roommate is a 240-pound homicidal hermit. For dinner he's fixing me a dead fox he scraped off the highway near Ponchatoula, and after that we're taking a leaky tin boat out on a windy lake to spy on some semi-retarded fishermen. Don't you wish you were here?

The first thing that the boy called Smoke told Nick Waters was: "Your biology book's in my locker. The combination is 5-3-5." And the second thing he said was: "I didn't do that fire, man. I'm innocent.

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain.

My books are shelved in different places, depending on the bookstore. Sometimes they can be found in the Mystery section, sometimes in the Humor department, and occasionally even in the Literature aisle, which is somewhat astounding.

As frightening as this may sound, what you see in the books is the way I see the world. And so far I haven't seen anything, either in Florida or elsewhere, to dissuade me from it.

From my experience, politicians are much more uncomfortable being made fun of than they are being preached at and screeched at - you know, and the soapbox routine. They're much more uneasy knowing they're a target of ridicule.

My driving record is not exemplary, but I have never had a speeding ticket over 100 m.p.h. I can say that unequivocally.

Unfortunately, I don't get to read nearly as much as I want because I'm always working on my own stuff, either the novels or newspaper columns.

We've always been fascinated with movie stars and singers, but the fascination with people who really have nothing to offer is something new.

My books are character-driven. They're not driven by the story.

One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb.

Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head.

Kids feel so strongly about what's going on today and what's happening to the world, and that's very inspiring. I feel more hopeful than ever before about the future.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

Like Richard Price and the late, great Elmore Leonard, Matt Burgess is one of those cool, quick and funny writers who can turn a seemingly routine crime caper into something special.