Quotes from Carl Hiaasen

The dog was having a grand time. That's the thing about being a Labrador Retriever, you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation and never at all by somber worry. Every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill, pissing was a treat, shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss!

I'm not a religious person,' Skink continued, 'but stealing a preacher's car is a slime-dog move, even by the gutter standards of today's common criminal.

for it, but the sonofabitch couldn't

He was accompanied by his occasional 'security assistant,' a man called Prawney, who was tall, bald, and African-American. These characteristics were practically mandatory at the security firm that employed Prawney. Many of its celebrity clients were white, and white celebrities always wanted big, shiny, black muscle. It was a status thing.

I'm sure I'll hear from Daddy, soon as he needs his laundry done. That's the usual program. He's the king of fake tears and phony apologies.

Lower your sights, boy,' he said to Joe Winder. 'I agree, justice is probably out of the question. But we can damn sure ruin their day.

Guess what I got in the trunk? An Igloo cooler. And guess what's in the cooler? A human head.' Shad violently expelled the cigar out the window. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his camo jacket. 'No joke,' Garcia said. 'Property of one Francisco Goyo, deceased. I can't begin to tell you how much gas I've wasted on the case. The fat prick got dumped in a dozen different zip codes.' 'Why,' Shad asked, 'do you got his head in an Igloo?' 'So it won't stink up the car.

She said, 'you think I'm a whore?' 'Don't be ridiculous.' Erin stepped back from the water. 'But you wouldn't want your daughter doing what I do.' 'My daughter,' said Garcia, 'is not leaving the house until she's thirty years old.

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers.

Instantly it had become a sensation among tourists at the park, a fact that edified Kingsbury's belief that the illusion of quality is more valuable than quality itself.

Erin said, 'I'll ask you what you've been dying to ask me: how in the world can you do it?' 'Do what?' 'Your job. Dead bodies, day after day. I couldn't take it.' The detective said, 'hey, it's a growth industry. The state could sell fucking bonds.

Dragging baits in the ocean was different than jigging for walleyes in the lake back home.

Some crazy shithead with a .38--it's the story of America, isn't it?' 'We live in violent times. That's what they say.' 'Guys like that, they give violence a bad name.

Would he go for a bribe? Straight cash?' 'He says it's against his principles,' David Dilbeck said. 'But he's amenable to a free blowjob.' A pulse became visible in Moldowsky's neck. 'Let's see if I understand. Only if the lady goes down on the judge does she get custody of her child?' 'He says he'll consider it, that's all. 'Brownie points' is the way he put it.' 'David, I'll say this: you're one terrific negotiator. They needed you at the fucking SALT talks.

Neighbors were divided on the question of whether Mrs. Braden had been excessive in her reaction. Witnesses agreed that Jesse had been a prodigious sinner, and often conducted himself in a manner that invited homicide. The shooting itself was not so much at issue as Mrs. Braden's selection of anatomical targets. The men in the crowd, sober and otherwise, felt that the mere spilling of an alcoholic beverage--and subsequent insensitive laughter--failed to justify three bullets through the penis.

Eventually she came to believe that her condition was one that couldn't be treated medically; she was doomed to demand more decency and consideration from her fellow humans than they demanded of themselves.

Killian won't go for it. The mother won't go for it. Hell, Davey, I've got no morals whatsoever, and I wouldn't go for it! It's the worst goddamn thing I ever heard.

The final puzzled look on the man's face suggested that he was not expecting to be gored by a giant stuffed fish head.

The hostess remembered three customers arriving in a black SUV the night before. One of the men, skinny but rough-looking, became belligerent because the restaurant served only beer and wine. The hostess said the loudmouth got wasted on sake and started tossing spring rolls in the air, trying to catch them in his mouth.

Hey, where's your girlfriend? The one that was down at Flamingo?" "Oh, she's home cleaning the machine guns." Tool wasn't sure if the guy was joking. Then, out of the blue, it hit him—that's who the picture on the altar looked like: the blackmailer's girlfriend.

The writers had decided that Buck Nance's brothers should refer to him as 'Captain Cock' when quarreling on the show, and inevitably the sleeveless t-shirt bearing that nickname became the top seller of all Bayou Brethren merchandise.

Well, apparently, I'm trying to fix the entire human race, one flaming asshole at a time.

Yancy asked to see the credit card receipt for their meal. It was signed by Lane Coolman, Buck Nance's agent/manager/ass-wiper.

Perplexed, Dr. Dressler pulled out the file of Duane Scrod Jr. It showed that the boy had been held back two years in elementary school and later was expelled from a public middle school for fighting with his P.E. teacher. During that scuffle, the teacher lost three teeth and the tip of his right pinkie finger