Quotes from Carl Hiaasen

Shreave flicked away the dead mosquito. Don't these things carry the bird flu too? No Boyd, that would be a bird.

I married an asshole, she thought, knifing into the waves.

Whatever happens, I'm glad we ate that bleeping lizard.

His core furnishings were an XBox console, a 60-inch plasma

He paused and manufactured a chuckle.

The other day, one of the big shots was trying to say 'Nice shoes!' and he accidentally told a government minister that his face looked like a butt wart. Not good.

My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons.

Drink your milk

So for a while, they sat peacefully in the swamp, listening to Mrs. Starch hum while the little panther slurped happily and the emerald leaves overhead shimmered and shook in the sunlight.

Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.

The victim's hand was contracted into a fist except for the middle digit, which was rigidly extended.

The deceased was a well-known scumbucket and they don't usually have the decency to kill themselves. Usually someone else does the honor.

We get along fine. In return for food and shelter, they give me unconditional indifference.

to a perfectly terrible day.

In his love life Yancy specialized in devising scenarios that could lead only to unwise decisions.

Still the congenitally clueless—tourists and locals alike—continue to flop into the Gulf and mess with these phenomenal creatures, dooming them to a future of begging, sloth, and worse. A dolphin that swims close enough to take a treat from your fingers is also close enough to be stabbed by a scumbag with a screwdriver.

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

The evening news made her wonder if God was dead; the morning sun made her believe He wasn't.

Not my circus, not my monkey." Yancy

No deliberative body is manifestly less qualified to make decisions about public education than our state Legislature. With a few shining exceptions, most of these clowns don't read, can't write, and clearly can't add.

You won't change the whole world, but you'll change somebody's world - and for the better. And, just as inevitably, some of you won't. You'll park your principles in the long-term lot and spend your future taking advantage of people.

My father used to say that you live most of your life inside your own head, so make sure it's a good space. Easier said than done.

The gunshots awakened Mr. Ullman, a banker by trade and a recent arrival from Copenhagen, who looked out the bedroom window just in time to see a tremendous bull galloping across his yard with a thrashing young American impaled on its rack. Mr. Ullman quickly telephoned the police and informed them, as urgently as his newly-acquired English would allow, that an 'unlucky cowboy is being perforated seriously.

Buck had lobbied for a banjo player but Lane said they cost too much, which made no fucking sense to Buck because a banjo's got fewer strings than a damn guitar.