Quotes from Carl Hiaasen

The vandals didn't stand a chance against five hundred–odd pounds of badass dog flesh. They

Don't order the fish," Yancy advised Merry when they sat down. "But it's a seafood joint." "More like a petri dish with menus. When they say 'catch of the day,' they mean infection." Brennan

It occurred to Yancy that, in the time they'd known each other, he hadn't once seen her look at her cell phone. She never texted, tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, or posted a single picture when they were together. He found this behavior alluring. The

Wiley's behavior had lately become so odd that younger reporters who once sought his counsel were now fearful of his ravings, and they avoided him.

Despite the meatiness of his fingers, Dominick showed himself to be a nimble texter.

Angie had been summoned to Casa Bellicosa to unfasten a screech owl from the presidential pompadour, which the low-swooping raptor had mistaken for a road-kill fox. When Angie arrived, the commander-in-chief was lurching madly around the helipad, bellowing and clawing at the Velcro skull patch into which the confused bird had embedded its talons.

Buck's girlfriend went by the porny name of Miracle though she had a master's in computer science from Florida State.

In nature violence is pure and purposeful, one species against another in an act of survival!

Guess I'll have to come back another day and try again, Roy thought. That's what a real Florida boy would do.

It's pretty tough to keep the lid on mass murder," remarked the Miami police chief. "God knows we've tried.

She said there was no tactful way for a naked person to cope with a runny nose, especially while dancing. Orly grudgingly agreed.

Here's all I know about happiness: It's slippery. It's unpredictable. It's a different sensation for everyone. But one thing happiness is not is overrated. When you luck into some, enjoy every minute.

Deep in every angler's soul is a secret confidence in his own special prowess that impels him to keep fishing in the face of common sense, basic science, financial ruin, and even natural disasters.

Coroners made Al Garcia jumpy; they always got so cheery when somebody came up with a fresh way to die.

Aldous Huxley. 'Being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune.' You think about that.

Stoat himself was registered independent, but he hadn't stepped inside a voting booth in fourteen years. He couldn't take the concept seriously; he knew too much.

Officer Delinko thought the bald man must have a good sense of humor to go by such a nickname, but he was wrong. Curly was cranky and unsmiling.

Quit being an asshole, Nicky. You weren't in the medical care business, you were in the stealing business.

Sometimes it's hard to feel much hope for the planet.

In all the years, only one person had been foolhardy enough to try to fight Trooper Jim Tile. The boy's name was Dekle, and he was eighteen, as big and white as a Frigidaire, and just about as intelligent.

I make her as jittery as a gerbil in a cobra pit.

Mr. B. D. Harper's death was a milestone. It may have seemed an atrocity to you; to us, it was poetry. Contrary to what you'd like to believe, this was not the act of a sick person, but the raging of a powerful new underclass. Mr. Harper's death was not a painful one, but it was unusual, and we trust that it got your attention. Soon we start playing for keeps. Wait for number three! El Fuego, Comandante, Las Noches de Diciembre

The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.' That's from Emerson, by the way.

The lead burglar's name was Uric. His helper was a dull-eyed fuckwit who worked cheap, basically for cigarettes and Yuengling. The helper wished to be called Prince Paladin.