Quotes from Dave Attell

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Jack Daniels, that is a wild man drink. It should come with bail money. Because on Jack you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there you're not going to be wearing pants.

Camping: That's what I call getting drunk outside.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I never wanted to be famous.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.