Quotes from Jen Kirkman

I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.

I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.

I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.

People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.

A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.

As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.

We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'

God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, "A man and woman have a baby."

Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, "Oh god."

I don't have that addictive, "What's going on?" feeling anymore, thank god.

I'm not like Woody Allen like, "Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh." I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.

I think that, for me, my favorite thing to do is perform standup onstage. Everything else I do is for the exposure to do more stand-up onstage, and for the money, and for the health insurance.

I'm just going to go to schools and give inspirational speeches about our bodies. I'll just wear flowing dresses and talk way quieter than I can.

Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.

Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.

I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.

Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.

By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.

I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.

The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.

Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.

I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.

There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.

Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.