Quotes from Scott Adams

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan.

For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.

I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over two hundred years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes.

As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

The government runs the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

They say that God is watching everyone all the time, so he'd always get to see his jokes play out. If so, he's laughing his butt off, assuming God has a butt, which is unlikely, since butts are also an obvious practical joke.

If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

I believe everybody in the world should have guns. I also believe that only I should have ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of you goobers with anything more dangerous than a string.

The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don't. That's why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.

I asked how many guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95 percent of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5 percent expressed a strong preference for lying.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes big round numbers.

There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.

Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.