Quotes from David Cross

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

Where my comedy really solidified was when Bush was elected. I couldn't understand how craven and crass he was, and how dumb other people were for electing him.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

Now, I don't consider myself the smartest chip in the cookie, but I ain't the dumbest, either.

Except for little children, who must be rightfully restrained by their parents, no one should find themselves being controlled by another person.

Hey, who let you in here?!

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative.

I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.