Quotes from Lewis Grizzard

Show business is my life.

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn't love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

Shoot low, boys. They're ridin' Shetland ponies.

A lot of people won't listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.

Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Chilli dawgs always bark at night.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes - and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.

I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.

When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?