Quotes from Lewis Grizzard

I am not about to say that what I put in my body has nothing whatsoever to do with my health, but I suddenly am surrounded by a world of health experts, and it gets tiresome. "You're eating a greasy cheeseburger, a man in your condition!" Deliver me. We'd all be a lot happier if we lived our own lives and allowed the son of a bitch down the street to live his. I just can't put it any more simply or directly than that.

people who say "Mason jar" instead of "fruit jar" probably are a little snooty and sleep in pajamas.

When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.

It's easy to fall away from the church, no matter the closeness to it in times past. I have done it. So have you. Grown people can do as they please. The 10:30 Sunday morning movie is even an excuse I use. So are Saturday nights that should have ended a lot earlier.

I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.

I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.

'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.

You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.