Quotes from Michael McIntyre

I don't know how it is with other people's relationships, but my wife is always much more tired than me because she works much harder looking after the children, which is an endless battle - a lot of it is battling with them to stop battling with each other.

I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.

I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: 'Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?' I said: 'Are you ordering coffee or voting in the U.S. elections?'

There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.

I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.

So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.

I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I'm just chatting about stupid things in the moment.

I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.

I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.

I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when people made snidey comments or gave me bad reviews, but I've learnt to deal with it.

I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.

I went to quite a nice school as a kid, where everyone was quite posh, because my dad was making some money.

I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding.

Maybe people just can't cope with how jovial I am.

I'm not going to crack America.

I wanted to bat for the England cricket team. I was quite good at cricket. But then I kept getting out for low scores. It turned out I didn't have the talent.

The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they're clearly not fans of my work.

Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It's almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.

One of the weirdest things about Christmas in this country is that people love to watch 'EastEnders' when everyone's in floods of tears and there's a huge row. I don't know if watching it makes them feel better about their own day. Personally, I would rather try to be a bit more positive!

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.

Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.

My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.

I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.

Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.