Quotes from Michael McIntyre

The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them.

I think everyone wants to know why I look like this. These jokes I make about looking Chinese... My mother's from Hungary and my dad was from Canada. There's a lot of immigration in my past.

I go to the British Comedy Awards and, you know, quite a few people were making jokes at my expense. It just made me feel awful, because I am there with my wife and she has gone out and bought a dress. And it is my big night and I won, and yet the overriding experience was that of nastiness.

I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.

I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.

I don't have any writers. I never get a laugh with somebody else's jokes. I can't do it justice.

I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they're not. That's there to curtail anybody's confidence.

I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ''new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.

One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.

People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!

Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.

It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.

Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian for the evening. They're men of a certain age - basically middle-aged, balding, 50 to 60 years old and I just know I can't make these people laugh hysterically.

Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.

I feel a bit weird about turning 40. It makes you feel like you've passed over on to the other side a bit.

Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.

It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.

The world is in a bit of a state. I don't know how it's happened so quickly but everyone's a bit on edge. I'm not sure that our leaders are doing a great job globally. We're hoping on Trump and Kim Jong-un - these two people who maybe aren't necessarily the sanest.

Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it's the best feeling in the world.

A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.

Britain's Got Talent' is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.

Men need to be with women otherwise I don't think they really know how to behave. They'll just stare at me and it's awkward, so I scramble around in my mind to say the rudest things I can think of just to get something out of them.

I don't go around straightening pictures or anything like that, but I do obsess about the safety of those I love, particularly the kids.

I definitely wanted a Ferrari 328 - I was obsessive about cars as a kid.