Quotes from Carol Burnett

My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.

You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.

But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.

But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.

I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today.

Are we having fun yet

Celebrity was a long time in coming it will go away. Everything goes away.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

Comedy = tragedy + time.

Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

Because nobody goes though life without a scar.

Cavort, dear, just cavort

I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that don't work out, that's when I've really learned.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

There's a quote of hers [Lucille Ball] that I've always loved: 'I guess I would rather regret the things I've done than to regret the things I've never done.

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

Carol, if you could be a member of the opposite sex for twenty-four hours, and then pop back and be yourself again, who would you be and what would you do?" My mind started racing like mad. Opposite sex? For twenty-four hours? Who would I be? What would I do? I said a quick little prayer. Please, let me just open my mouth and have whatever comes out make sense. I took a deep breath and what came out was this: "I'd be Osama bin Laden, and I'd kill myself.