Quotes from Mark Twain

Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven & hell & I have only a vague curiosity about one of those.

A dream...I was trying to explain to St. Peter, and was doing it in the German tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit.

Do one thing every day you don't want to do.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Put all thine eggs in one basket and - watch that basket.

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Love is a madness; if thwarted it develops fast.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Tomorrow night I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics.

Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may.

You can tell German wine from vinegar ... by the label.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

Go to bed early, get up early-this is wise.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority for any town?

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly everybody will side with you when you are in the right.

From his cradle to the grave, a man never does a single thing which has any first and foremost object save one-to secure peace of mind, spiritual comfort, for himself.

Habit is habit, and not to be thrown out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.