Quotes from Mark Twain

Have a place for everything and keep the things somewheres else. That is not advice, it is merely custom.

Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.

We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.

It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension.

The old saw says - 'Let a sleeping dog lie.' Experience knows better; experience says, If you want to convince do it yourself.

The Bible is a wonderful book; you can prove anything you want with it.

History teaches us that whenever a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which a strong and enlightened people want, it must be yielded up peaceably.

In the ancient city of London, on a certain autumn day in the second quarter of the sixteenth century, a boy was born to a poor family of the name of Canty, who did not want him.

Steal a chicken if you get a chance, Huck, because if you don't want it, someone else does and a good deed ain't never forgotten.

The worst thing you can do to a man is to tell him he can have what he wants.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Man is the only animal that deals in that atorcity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind.

I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

All people have had ill luck, but Jairus's daughter and Lazarus had the worst.

Persons who think there is no such thing as luck good or bad are entitled to their opinion, although I think they ought to be shot for it.

It is strange the way the ignorant and inexperienced so often and so undeservedly succeed when the informed and the experienced fail.