Quotes from Mark Twain

To place man properly at the present time, he stands somewhere between the angels and the French.

Creed and opinion change with time, and their symbols perish; but Literature and its temples are sacred to all creeds and inviolate.

Being rich ain't what it's cracked up to be. It's just worry and worry, and sweat and sweat, and a-wishing you was dead all the time.

Don't you know what that is? It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want—oh, you don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!

The less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it

Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Right is right, and wrong is wrong, and a body ain't got no business doing wrong when he ain't ignorant and knows better.

In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.

Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size.

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four..

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you know ain't so'.