Quotes from Mark Twain

Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. All day long, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts, not those of other things, are his history. These are his life, and they are not written. Everyday would make a whole book of 80,000 words -- 365 books a year. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man -- the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.

December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

They did not know it was impossible so they did it

I can last two months on a good compliment.

It is easier to stay out than to get out.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.

To me [Edgar Allan Poe's] prose is unreadable—like Jane Austin's [sic]. No there is a difference. I could read his prose on salary, but not Jane's. Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death.

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

Whiskey is for drinking; water is for fighting over.

I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.

If books are not good company, where shall I find it?

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time.

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.