Quotes from Art Buchwald

No one has ever questioned the credentials of a critic who writes a rave notice.

Then the question is, are we worried about the wishes of the patient or about the money involved?

During my sessions with Dr. Morse, I concluded that somebody had been messing with my head during those early years and they left footprints on my brain. I have spent almost as much time on Seventh-Day Adventists in my analysis as I have on my mother. I am willing to bet that this place was responsible for many of my hang-ups.

The first hospice was founded in England in 1967 by physician Dame Cicely Saunders.

I consider dying a very important part of life. I feel good in the sense that since these people are in pain, and most of them don't have very long to live, I can make their journey easier.

A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

There was tremendous pressure to take dialysis, and there were lots of tears when I broke the news to the family that I was not going to do it.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious, no matter what it costs.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

I found out I'd spent my whole life believing things that weren't necessarily accurate. My sisters' memories of certain events are entirely different from mine.

Unless they've had some experience with it, the hospice is still a mystery to most people. Because hospice deals with death, people tend not to talk about it.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.